Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Why Hijab? Why not?

Something that really bothers me (those of you who know me know this) is being forced to do anything. It makes me mad, defensive, argumentative, and an all around evil person.

So before and even after I became Muslim, one issue that troubled me was hijab, naturally. I couldn't stand having to be forced to wear it! And so I railed against it at every opportunity. Those of you who knew when I put it on, knew I didn't do it because I was forced, nor because I was convinced it was mandatory. It was kind of like a why not, let me try it, why am I so chicken challenge to myself.

Now, a few months down the road, things have changed. The problem is no longer being forced to wear hijab. I wear it because I want to, because I want to please Allah swt in this way. The problem is being forced to take it off!

And of course, when anyone tries to force me to do anything, I get very defensive and sort of fling myself in the other direction. Right now, my family is trying to force me to take off hijab. Not all the time, mind you, but whenever I'm with them. In the house, when I'm just with my parents, I don't need to wear it, but if I'm only there for 15 minutes, and it took me 5 just to get hijab pinned right so it wouldn't keep falling off or into my face, why should I take it off when I get there only to put it on when I leave? Just to please them? I'd rather leave it on, if merely for convenience.

But my dad really is trying to push me into a corner, to get me not to wear it around the kids. And I hate it. Last night I was visiting, I needed to pick up some mail, and my 1-yr old nephew was there. I deliberately left on the scarf because I wasn't planning to stay for long. "Go on and take the headgear off," he says. This I hate, he calls it "head gear" or "head dress," and honestly it pisses me off. Then he claims yet again I've promised not to wear it around them--which I never did even mention, much less promise!

And whether they like it or not, one day my family will have to deal with hijab. InshaAllah. Of all the stupid reasons not to wear it--we don't want the children asking questions... whatever! First of all, the nephew is a year old, like he cares what I wear on my head. But more importantly, the question "Why does Amy wear that scarf on her head?" has to be one of the easiest to answer! What a cop-out on their part, but how despicable of them trying to threaten me into going along with them.

This really, truly hurts. I can't keep compromising for them, and I won't. And because they are trying to force me out of my own religion, it's pushing me further away from them.


Chris said...

I understand.

No. I empathize. Truly.

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