Saturday, July 29, 2006

Soul-seeking

It's coming up on 10:30, so I've almost been here at work for 3 hours... and I've done nothing. I haven't even really thought about anything. That matters because there actually are many things I should be thinking about but I'm still a little too tired to handle them. In another hour I'll be leaving I hope and can go back to sleep. Though in reality, the rest of the day needs to be spent packing up my room.

It is odd how life throws curves... unexpected changes to the status quo which mandate we revaluate our position and are often forced to alter course. My sister, when I learned how to drive, told me to press the accelerator as I was going around a turn. Slow down before it, and accelerate through it. My sister isn't the best driver, but if you do this or try this... it can be a lot of fun. If we know what's around the corner, we don't hesitate to continue on, full-speed ahead. But if you've ever been on one of those exit ramps that seems to circle twice over, and you can't figure out which way to go by the time you're all turned around... you might be able to imagine, metaphorically, the position in which I find myself today. Still going around... and I don't know which way to turn even when I do get to the end of the path. In fact, I don't even know if I can see all the options. So imagine not only being lost, but blind as well... and not even knowing where to go--so asking for directions doesn't make much sense.

For that, I think I need to think. Shouldn't I arrive at some conclusion about who I am? Who I want to be? What I want to do with my life? The answers to those questions keep changing! Changing so frequently I can't even begin to make any plans to bring them about. I blame all this inner conflict on the apparent instablity of my life in general at present. I do hope that within a few months I can "settle," emotionally, physically, mentally.

My current living situation has been a primary worry for me, financially and socially, but moving in with a sister should alleviate the greater concerns I have on that front. If I can start to feel at home (which I've been unable to do in my current apartment because of my roommate, mostly) soon, I think that I can relieve some tension I have with my family. Even since moving out I've felt insecure, and afraid that I would fail. I really want to ease into a new life that does not involve my parents... this is horribly un-Islamic of me, and I am not sure what to do about it.

Every effort I make to reconcile with my parents leaves me wanting more distance between us. Every concession I make to improve relationships seems to negatively impact my faith. What is worse, is that I feel like I'm lying to them as a comfort, and even with the best intentions it's just encouraging them to refuse the truth, the reality, and then they imagine that I am not as serious as I am. My dad I think is willfully misunderstanding me--and claims frequently that I have said I'd do things that I did never and would never do. (I wonder if I should really be afraid that he's losing his mind, or that he really just isn't listening?)

Either way, I know they are refusing to believe how serious Islam is for me. I think even if I were as serious about Christianity they might not believe it of me. They don't understand, I didn't just become a Muslim, I became a very strong, and devoted Muslim, more so than any Muslims I'm sure either of them have met. So they simply don't understand... they actually think I've made less of a change than I have. And even as I try to explain how serious it is, they are heads-in-the-sand when it comes to hearing my point of view.

This is getting worse really... it's worse that I feel like I have to lie just so they don't think I'm crazy.. but they think I'm crazy anyway. They don't understand how important this is to me... and it's so important that I would much rather leave them altogether in their bigoted ignorance and pursue my own desires without ever informing them much less consulting them about my decisions. I do love my family... but I think they love the girl I was, not the girl I am now--because they refuse to see me as I am. In fact, they are actually insulting me according to the changes I have made, changes that I see only for the better they drag through the mud. Even when they say nothing has changed... their actions tell a different story. Maybe they are lying too. They don't act like they care, and even when I try to bridge the gap I just want to stay away from them, even longer.

Why do I have to put up with this? They are refusing to acknowledge me as I am, they are insulting me and my faith, and the more I deal with that the more I resent them and their attitude. I feel like I could turn into some evil person on account of their behavior, having so much disgust for it. If that's the case, I really think it would be better for me to avoid them for a while. And I think that's what I'll do--they don't seem to mind, anyway.

1 comment:

Hero said...

That was a nice piece.