New job

I like my job.

I like my coworkers.

I like my boss.

I like the atmosphere.

I like the pay.

But it isn't enough... with some extreme stretching it might pay for school in the fall, but rent? Food? Books? Gas? Car? So a few weeks ago I applied for another job (part time.) My friend Kristi had been a lab operator for a few semesters and I asked her about it, and applied shortly thereafter. Today I had an interview, and more or less got the job--probably working in the wee hours of the morning and on weekends, maybe 12 hours a week. So, inshallah that will help me save up even more money for the fall semester, and have a hope and prayer for the spring as well. And it's a relatively easy job, so I can read or study on the computer, I guess, while I'm there. And when I'm not working I'll sleep. Sounds good, right? Mm-hmm.

Too much for a Tuesday?

Since moving in, I've been coming up a little bit short in the sleep department and getting up for fajr and work was extremely difficult. But since I have moved so close to the mosque, I would like to pray there more often. I had some errands to run before maghrib, including having dinner with the girl whose apartment I've moved into ('Susan') at a Korean restaurant near school. That was interesting... first time I had Korean food. But anyway...

I prayed maghrib, getting there a tiny bit on the late side but still before the first rukuh. I was quick to leave also, but when I got back to the apartment I noticed that my other roommate (let's call her 'Megan') was there, but I was on the phone when I walked in. When I finished talking, though, I knocked on her door and introduced myself... and was very happy to find out that I do live with a pleasant person and I think she and I will get along very well. Yay. She and 'Rachel' don't get along, however, and both want to move out when their leases are up (quite funny, actually) but neither knew the other was planning to move.

I also explained to Megan that I was Muslim, that I wear the scarf, and that I downloaded the automatic adhan, and told her how to turn the speakers off in case I ever left it on while out of the house. That went well, no real troubles there, but she told me about Rachel's boyfriend, which is another funny story. But I got to meet him last night, too, and his brother, and his brother's friend... yeah... in my apartment. So I guess I should just be careful and listen out for when I need to wear hijab if they come over a lot... and I'm told they do.

Around Isha time I drove back to the mosque, and made it in plenty of time for the prayer, but also to hear part of a lecture going on beforehand. Now, after the prayer this woman who I'll call Amatullah comes up to me, who I've talked to several times, and we listen to the end of the lecture a little while. She is... an interesting woman. She is a white American convert, married to a Palestinian (I think) brother, with 6 kids. I get the feeling she wants me to marry her oldest son, who is about a year younger than I am, which is a little strange for me... but anyway. We're sitting in the back behind the stupid curtain thing and she wants to give me a massage. I don't want to be rude or anything, so... yeah, and she wants me to lie down in front of her so she can do it. Have you ever gotten a massage in a musallah? Yes, it is strange...

And then she wants me to go by her house (I think she wanted to introduce me to oldest son, but he wasn't there, whew.) So I go over there, because she lives right beside the mosque, and meet some of her kids. And get this, she gives me a jilbab... it's a little tight (I'm kinda big anyway) but definitely better than what I had... nothing. And I always feel weird going to prayers in my jeans, because they are snug, and I just don't have that many options (can't wear the 1 skirt I own every day, or the same pairs of pants always) and right now funds aren't available for clothes, but more basic things. So anyway, that was really nice of her. And then she wanted to show me how to belly dance, so she taught me a few moves. And then she wanted me to drink this stuff she had for her son's asthma I guess that she made into a drink. Didn't taste that bad... and then she wanted to give me all these CD's. First she was trying to find one that I could practice bellydancing to (because she wants me to practice this now) but she didn't like some because of the 'instruments.' (She's pretty strict about that with herself, I guess, but lets her kids listen to it.) So she gets me the CD, and then like 6 more CD's of random stuff about Islam. And then around midnight!! I finally get out, with a list of bellydancing moves I'm supposed to practice, another glass of this funny drink, and a jilbab... oh and a scarf to match.

And then this morning when I showed up at the mosque for fajr (she told me she is the only woman who is ever there for fajr) I was a little bit late (trying to fix this) and the door was locked! The sisters door, that is... and I didn't want to go in the front door because I was so late anyway so I just went home. :-(

I'll wear it tonight to isha though, inshallah. So... anyway... I thought that was strange and definitely worth writing about!! :-)

Moving Out, Part IV (See below)

So, the drama... are you ready for this? First of all, I needed someone to help me move, and my sister Wendy had either volunteered, so someone told me she did. I called her one day last week (Friday probably) to ask if she could help, but her Durango is in the shop and her husband was working Sunday... so basically, that was a no. But my other sister Becky and her husband were willing to help, and I had otherwise to rely on my brother who drives a truck. This was all so I wouldn't have to rent a trailer, which was my original plan. But anyway... it rained on Sunday.

And my brother didn't get home until the evening. It rained basically all day but, alhamdulillah, had stopped mostly by the time we had to make the drive. As far as loading, we did it inside the garage, and covered everything with tarps. And alhamdulillah, it all fit somehow, in the bed of the truck, the back of the jeep (my sisters) and a very small trailer attached to it. But that was the plan in the afternoon... I had to move on Sunday, you see, because I had to work on Monday and my brother isn't in town that long anyway. And Sunday night because he didn't get in until 6pm.

But I went to pick up the keys and stuff you pick up when you move in on Sunday, and one of the current roommates (let's call her Rachel) had called me earlier. She told me that the girl who just moved out (let's call her Susan) had "trashed" the apartment, and the trash was all in her bedroom--the one I was moving in to. This is despite the fact that the leasing company called me the previous night to assure me that the apartment was clean--they had walked through it, etc. I told Rachel this, and she seemed very surprised. Then she admitted that the "trash" had been "all over" the apartment and she had moved it into the bedroom. She wanted the leasing company to come by, see the trash, clean it up, and keep Susan's deposit. So she wanted to call them and complain, and for me to call and complain. Whaa. I told her that the office opened at 1pm (it was Sunday) and I would be over there then to pick up my keys.

Rachel called while I was still waiting to get my keys, and voiced her little complaint. Funny thing was that the girl in the office had no clue it was the same apartment I was moving into. So I get the keys and go back to the apartment to see all this trash... which Rachel had moved into the bedroom. Yes, there was a lot of trash, and it might have been mostly Susan's... but what sort of person will hand pick up trash and put it on the floor of another room, instead of putting it in a bag?? (The sort of person that is my new roommate... lol!)

Susan had called me earlier to tell me she and Rachel hadn't gotten along, maybe had a fight, and she wasn't sure where Rachel got all this trash or why she put it in the bedroom. However, she was studying for an exam, and wouldn't be able to come clean up the room that day. But still I had to move. I was willing (and half expecting to) clean up the trash, but Rachel wanted to calling the leasing company again, to try desperately to get Susan's deposit withheld. They were not very helpful, so she continued to complain, and voiced her decision to move out... all while I was there. (Yes, I'm laughing, are you?) Her primary complaint was that her roommates don't subscribe to her "lifestyle."

So then she helped me clean up the trash a little, it took all of about 10 minutes, and we moved it out by the door. But she insisted that we not take it down to the dumpster so Susan would have to. Because, originally, that's where the trash was in the first place! Basically we moved it back where it was, and Susan was supposed to come pick it up and take it to the dumpster. I don't feel like fighting at the moment, so I just let it go. Grabbed the vaccuum and went to clean up some more, while she called her dad. I got to listen to part of that conversation too. She basically iterated her desire to move, and change to a different "company" to find an apartment. After cleaning the room to my satisfaction, I left--and left the garbage by the door, planning to take care of it later when Rachel wasn't around.

Now really--what kind of person deliberately picks up trash and puts it in a bedroom, all over the floor? Especially a bedroom where someone is moving in, and she knew I was moving in on Sunday anyway, so she can't use that as an excuse. Needless to say, I have a very poor opinion of this roommate and her manners, while laughing at her inability to succeed in 1) pissing me off, 2) getting the company to keep Susan's deposit, and 3) just in general getting things to work out "her way." Oh yes, and laughing still because she has decided to move out. Inshallah, she will, and I can simply stay put. LOL!

So with my brothers we packed up all my stuff between the truck, jeep and trailer, making a little use of my parents' buick which I drove, and my sister's focus, just for a few extra boxes and clothes and whatnot. Moving in didn't take too long, but my brother-in-law is a neat-nick, if you know what I mean. He could not stand the sight of trash bags sitting by the door like that and I wanted to explain to him the silly situation but Rachel was there (albeit in her room, definitely not helping, lol) but he took it down. I just want to let you all know I intended to take it down myself but he beat me to it. And we can laugh about what kind of person leaves 3 bags of trash in the doorway... haha.

I spent most of the night trying to put a few things away; basically I got my computer up (utmost importance!) and a few clothes, and my bathroom things put away. I also cleaned the bathroom that night, because it hadn't been cleaned (of this I was aware beforehand and had planned to clean it myself), and that took the most time. But now it's sparkly and wonderful and all is well. Last night I mostly did the dishes, washing what had been in storage for so long, and even some of my new items.

Another complaint of mine against this roommate is that she has left me practically no cabinet space. It is interesting because she has about twice as much space as the other roommate, who has about half as much more space as I do. I don't have less dishes than either of them, I just think that someone isn't making the best use of space. Going to try to work that out with them. However, nobody was home last night. And then I got dishes, realized I don't like that Food Lion so I might be going to the other one closer to the mosque which is a little further from the house but... hey, if the people are nicer (and they are, I've been there before).

So that brings me up almost to today... and with that I'm going to run out of here and try to have a nice evening inshallah.

Salam!

Moving Out, Part III (See below)

I ended up signing the lease in a hurry, and that may or may not have been a good thing. Either, way, I have a place to live now, albeit with two very antisocial roommates. I started a new schedule at work, that is 40 hours a week being 4 9-hr days and 1 half-day, Friday, so inshallah I will have no trouble attending Jummah prayers.

Over that weekend we were supposed to have a 'family dinner' which was essentially a make-up Easter. Of course, my family just hates it when I wear hijab (unfortunately, I hate them for that. :-( ) so even though I want to wear it when my brother-in-laws come over, I don't. I can't say I really enjoyed the day anyway. And because everyone was there it was hard to get a few words in about my move. My parents flew to Las Vegas on Wednesday, and I had the house to myself basically to pack my things. That was slow going until the weekend; I had left boxes half-full because I needed to find some things that I wanted to pack 'together.' The entire week was exhausting, though. I was tired, trying to get used to being at work for 10 hours and having so much to do each night... and I didn't get very much done.

One night I went out with my sister and bought a few 'essentials.' Mostly cleaning supplies. On Friday I went to thrift shops looking for a few more things, and Saturday I went to some yard sales in my sister's neighborhood looking for more still. (I hate shopping, but at least at yard sales in the same neighborhood, you just walk around outside, and can get fresh air.) Saturday night she invited me to a 'Pampered Chef' party. Normally, I avoid these types of "parties" at all costs. Mary Kay, Tupperware, etc. They are marketing endeavours, normally for stay-at-home moms, where the woman (I guess it could be a man too but hardly ever is) will buy this stuff and eventually sign on to start selling it, and will have these parties to get people to buy. Sometimes at her house, and then has someone else host a party, and that person invites all her friends. They give away a few things, and of course if you "host" then you get a discount so people are encouraged to do that... and then you have women paying $45 for a baking dish.

But what could be more fun than listening to a bunch of women chatter about kitchen utensils? To start with, cleaning doggie poo out of my bathroom. For those of you men who read this... you have no idea how lucky you are to not have to ever go to these. Eat the chicken, and explain why it's the best most tender chicken you have ever tasted because it was cooked in a stone fluted bundt pan. It's weird. So why did I go?

Well, my sister invited me (it was her neighbor's party, who is the consultant person who sells, and at her house so she was cooking) and she told me that Maria would be there. I haven't actually met Maria, but she is a Muslim convert who used to live two doors down from my sister's house, who is married to a Muslim from Egypt. They moved out last year, long before I was ready to tell anyone, but I thought sure, I would like to meet her and talk to her about some of what I'm going through. But Maria didn't come. So I was stuck there oohing and aaahing about silicone spatulas.

But, in the end it worked out okay because my sister bought me a few things. A dish made especially for cooking in the microwave (laugh, if you will) and an adjustable measuring spoon, and she gave me her measuring cup.... which is neat (but of course, overpriced). But of course at these party things one trick to get people to buy is to give them free stuff, so they feel obligated to buy (neat psychology trick in action.) And the free thing that I "won" was these two entertaining bowls (that are square.. yeah, weird isn't it?) with a little handle/rack thing to carry them. But they're a good size for... ahem... salsa.

Sunday was the appointed moving day... because the girl who was moving out couldn't decide if she would be out on Friday or Saturday... even though my lease was clear I could move in on Saturday. (Not that I had any help that day.) So... I'll stop here, and save all the drama for 'Part IV'.

Moving Out, Part II (see below)

I was in a big hurry to get out of my parents' house by the time Friday arrived. I hadn't spoken to my mom all week, and only a few words to my dad. I don't know if I mentioned the fact that I had two exams coming up (Monday) and a paper due (also on Monday.) There is a point where stress becomes too much for me, and I just give up on something. My sorority had a dinner banquet on Thursday, and I had to install a treasurer and membership educator, and plan the trip to the international convention in Chicago. I've since decided not to go. At first, I thought it would cost about $250, but since only 7 people are going now (instead of 13 who were originally planning to) it will be free or mostly free for all of them. And I guess, if it were free, I could technically afford it. But I'll be working...

That's right, no vacation for me, not all summer. I might be off for 4th of July and Memorial Day, but other than that... You see, that is how tight my money will be. Financially, I was not in any way ready to move out, and that was part of why I panicked. I was planning to take a class this summer (one that I had given up on (failed) early on in this spring semester to concentrate on the others) and work part-time, about 25 hours a week. That would be enough to pay for school over the summer, and I thought the fall would be covered. Such is not the case. I'm now going to be working full time (thank God my boss has no problems with that.) and am currently not registered for classes.

My plan now, then, is to save up money to actually go to school again in the fall, but only part-time so I can still work. I really hate this. I never liked having to work and go to school at the same time, but it was nice that I didn't have to cover the expense of rent. But having to work nearly full-time while still taking a full load? I don't know about that. If I continue to do poorly in school, I really think my job may be in jeopardy. But God willing my supervisors will understand, and not be too upset that my graduation date keeps moving further away.

But anyway, I am pursuing an option for taking classes in the fall, which is to take humanities courses at a community college and only my engineering courses at the university. That's because going full time at NCSU is about $2400, for 12 hours. At a community college, it's about $40 per credit hour tuition plus about $15-25 total in fees. Going part-time at NCSU at 8 hours (2 4-hr engr classes) would be $1200, including fees. Goign part-time at tech school for 6 hours (2 3-hr humanities) would be $260. I can do that and still technically be a "full-time student" with 14 hours spending about $1000 less for school.

Now what to do with my free time? There are 168 hours in a week, and I'll be working 40 of them and sleeping 56, inshallah. So what to do with the rest of my time? I looked into taking a summer night class, but didn't see any available. The mosque was teaching Arabic classes on Sundays but stopped for the summer... isn't that ironic? But maybe I can learn a little bit on my own (practice hard) and find some Arabic speaker to help. A number of guys have offered to help, but... we'll see, I guess.

And of course, I have not exhausted the Islam section at the bookstore, lol! I will probably just devour books this summer, inshallah. And even if that gets boring I can read about other religions. There is so much I have wanted to read...

Moving out, Part I

I'm already tired, but I keep meaning to post this... on Monday, April 24th, my parents informed me that I was no longer welcome in their house. Not to live, anyway. If your life has ever been turned upside down, you might understand how I felt. I panicked, basically, and had to deal with a range of emotions that could have torn me apart. I was angry, and I was hurt. I lost my home, and it felt like I was losing my family too.

That was Monday--I had a good cry on Monday, talked to some very nice and supportive Muslims in chat (you know who you are) and moved on to Tuesday. Cried more on Tuesday, and then Wednesday I went to see my sister to ask about my parents. In short, that didn't go very well. I left thinking that I never wanted to see her again. It was a very emotional week...

By that night I was looking for apartments to move into--found one where the girl wanted to leave right away, even though her lease was through July. Thursday she sent me the application, and on Friday we went to the landlord's office and I signed the "sublease." I'm moving this upcoming Saturday. What was really nice about this is that my parents did offer to "cosign" on the lease so I didn't need a security deposit.

When I got home Friday night, my parents told me then that they felt bad at what they had put me through, and that they wanted to help me out, so they offered to pay my first month's rent. And I can add, that offer was graciously accepted!!

Stroke of brilliance

At some point today, I was struck with an excellent idea to write about on my blog. Since then, I have forgotten where I was, when it occurred, and most importantly, what it actually was!

I've been reading a book I really don't like, and I guess I should finish it before I start publicizing such harsh criticism of it because it is really quite popular. But the reasons that I don't like it are what bother me, and what have been bothering me, so I'm going to discuss it anyway, with the full intention of finishing it.

The book is called Towards Understanding Islam and was originally written in Urdu by Sayyed Abul A'la Mawdudi. The foreward states that the purpose was to explain "the fundamentals of Islam to young students and less-educated adults in a simple and straight-forward manner." Now, I am not sure if that means non-Muslims it was written for, or Muslims. Of course now it is distributed as dawah, and I have to admit to the biases I have coming from Christianity. Therein lies my problem, which is over the seemingly obsessive nature in which this book described Muhammad. In fact, it seems to describe Islam as a construct of Muhammad, and that Muhammad is the only reason to follow it! Peace be upon him.

Lately I have given a lot of thought to how I view the Prophet, salallahu alaihi wa salaam, comparing my thoughts now to what they have been in the past. When I first converted to Islam, I still viewed Jesus, as a much higher prophet in status than Muhammad, pbut. Somehow, the status of Jesus, pbuh, had to be lowered; Christians consider him God, after all. But even when I converted I didn't see Muhammad pbuh as much more than the man who delivered the Qur'an. If anyone knew me then, they'll probably remember I rejected the Sunnah, considered it largely unimportant and false. I have come past that, and now view Muhammad, pbuh, as a truly great man and Prophet of God. But I still have to draw the line on calling him the best man who ever lived--because that implies he was better than all the other Prophets and I just can't do that. I can't.

And that is what this book does. Despite that, it has given me a much better understanding about Prophethood in general, and instilled greater respect for all the prophets. However, I think the discussion in this book is adoration on par with worship, directed at Muhammad pbuh himself and not his inspiration. I wonder... did men become Prophets because they were great men, or were they great men because they were Prophets?

I think the latter. That because God had inspired them, and was working through them, they were the best of men. Unfortunately, the way this book seems to be talking about Muhammad, pbuh, is like he were the only Prophet and also that he was so great in and of himself, that he was wise enough to give us the message. That does not jive with my view of prophets at all, because it seems to me that they are great, yes, but given the Message by God--they didn't go out and discover it through their own reflection, but God gave it to them. And because of that, they had greater understanding and could teach about it.

The book just seems to be going further to say that Muhammad pbuh was such a great man, etc., and he taught this and that, and he knew this and that, but not that God had actually inspired him to do this. That conflicting viewpoint has turned me off, but I have to consider whether or not I am wrong in this. And I suppose that will take even more reflection and growth (spiritually) on my part.

The missing rights of women?

I have a dilemma this morning. Last night I heard this imam or sheikh or whatever he was talking at my masjid. His topic was 'The Role of Women in Society.' Overall, I think he did a very poor job, and he's made me question a few things. Early in his lecture he said when people ask him why women have no rights in Islam, he respond with the question, what rights do they not have? And he proceeded to address a few similarities/differences between instructions regarding women in Islam and Christianity and Judaism. I wouldn't say he was especially informed in that regard, personally. He did a brief discussion about exemplary women in the Qur'an, and provided some ahadith about how the Prophet treated his wives. In my opinion, that had absolutely nothing to do with the Role of Women, but is rather the treatment of women--and it was not directed at the mixed-gender audience present, but to male listeners only. I get the impression that many in the audience disagreed with him, I think, as much as I did.

Some of the points he made, which are common in discussions about women, were normal, but he had, in my opinion, a very poor approach. In defense of polygamy, he described a confrontation with a young woman asking about it. He described her attributes, that she was a very attractive young lady, and that no man would man would be ashamed of marrying her. He then suggested that she may, through some accident, scar her beauty (her face) and no longer be attractive. And then, he provided two options for the husband: first, that he divorce her and marry another woman, and second that he keep her and marry another one. In both situations he gravely insulted women in general, by suggesting that beauty, namely on the face, is the only reason for a man to be attracted to a woman, and that if a woman cannot boast such beauty, then she does not deserve a husband to herself. This was a particularly vile way of defending a man's right to marry more than one woman, in my opinion; not false, but vile, despicable. There is a right that a woman has lost--the right to value as a wife greater than her beauty.

In the Q&A session, he brought up another right that he has taken away from women, and that is the right to actually go anywhere. Not only is it haram for women to travel, apparently, it is actually haram to leave their homes without a mahram. For claiming he didn't want to cry haram all night, he said it awfully frequently. Why is this right absent from women in Islam, why are they denied the right to leave their homes? This is my problem with how he presented his entire lecture--women are not people, to be treated with respect or honor, but they are like children, who need constant protection and supervision. So they have gone from property in other cultures, to children in Islam. Women can't go anywhere because it isn't safe, apparently, as though this man has any idea what is safe and not for a woman in this country. Because according to him, it is necessary or a woman to shop, so it is allowed for her to shop without a mahram. However, it is not necessary for her to go to the masjid, so she must go with a mahram. Utter nonsense. How can this man say that the grocery store is safer than the masjid?? The fact of the matter is that it's not, but it seems probably too tedious for a man to have to always shop with his wife or sister or daughter or mother--yes, too tedious--so she may do it alone. But in the masjid? He then suggested that a prayer of a woman is better in her home--a hadith which I mysteriously cannot find. Nor can I find the one saying that a woman leaving her home without a mahram is haram.

Now I know that I'm not a scholar, but I know that women would go to fajr prayer without mahrams to pray with the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wa salaam, and I know that he told men specifically to not prevent women from going to the masjids. He didn't say, don't prevent them from going, not prevent them from going alone, or go with them so they don't go alone... simply don't prevent them. How could it be haram, then? From a fatwa on islamonline, I read the following summary:

Women in the West go everywhere. They are in the markets, in malls, in restaurants, and in offices. It is ironic that some men allow them to go to all the places of temptation, but they want to stop them from coming to the places where they can pray to their Lord and learn about their faith.

It is ironic indeed that women are permitted to do those other things but not attend the masjid--absolute nonsense, if you ask me, especially in the name of safety and protection. But since all the women around me disagreed with this man, and even some of the men (the ones I could see seemed upset by it as well) I guess I shouldn't worry too much. One sister is planning to ask the imam of this masjid about it, because it seems contradictory to everything he has told them. That is nice.

Woe.

This is a rather general overview of my current situation as regarding my family... things are not bright. I emailed it to someone previously, in case any of you, my loyal readers (blush) wonder about the format.

I've recently told my parents about my Islam, and that decision was partly driven by the fact that I donned hijab a month or so ago. While they have little problems with my belief, they abhor the scarf and most of my family doesn't want me to wear it at all around them, no matter where we are.

One is afraid he will have to answer questions about why he knows a Muslim. Another reason is they are afraid the little kids will ask questions they don't want to answer--probably because they aren't able to answer questions about their own faith but that's neither here nor there.

As it is, they say my wearing it is offensive, and a cultural issue that I am adopting that is not part of the religion. How do they presume to know more about it than I, when I've been studying it far longer than they? Besides, I was opposed to it at first too...

But they are threatening to not allow me to have any contact with them if I choose to want to wear it in public. I have sort of acquiesced to their desire I not wear it in their homes, but out in public I think it is degrading that they force me to take it off.

I wish I could explain that to them, what an insult it is, how they are humiliating me!! Argh!!!

Sorry... just needed to get that out!

I want to leave

Leave what?

School? My job? My home? My family? Islam?

Yes.

It was a wise decision on my part to refrain from telling my parents about my embracing Islam. But wise was not the decision to tell them a few days ago. The respect I have for my family is dwindling--in particular, my mother, my oldest sister, and my brother-in-law. Their behavior is disgusting, their ignorance profound, and their dislike of me most obvious.

Today I was most unfortunate to miss every single prayer. I tried to get up for fajr... slept through my alarm. When I came home around 12:30 I was too exhausted for anything but a nap--too tired even for a shower which I desperately needed after all the work I did this morning. And once again, slept through the prayer time, missing zhuhr. By the time I got up, I needed to take a shower but still piddled around the house for a while trying to build up energy, and really just stay awake. After my shower it was nearly time for maghrib--so I prayed zhuhr. But I really had to get ready to go.

Now, tonight we were having a party for my sister's birthday. I decided not to wear hijab, as I really did not want attention from anyone about it, and of course it would insult more than the few I mentioned above. So in trying to get ready, I didn't have time for 'asr and maghrib, which killed me inside but I missed them anyway. When I arrived at the restaurant, my neices told me that my brothers-in-law had been fighting about me. Presumably, one against and one in my defense though I don't know the story and since it was my sister's birthday, I thought it inappropriate to ask.

I guess it means that my brother-in-law (of my oldest sister Wendy) knows about my Islam, though I don't know who told him. I didn't, and I had asked my sister (Becky, the other one, the first I told) to not tell my other brother-in-law (Thom) even though her husband (Dan) knew. And I had agreed with my parents not to tell Thom, but still...

Now, it's possible the reason he didn't show up for cake and presents after dinner at my sister's house was because the baby needed to go to bed... even though it is antisocial, he frequently does such things. But I still get the impression it was because I wanted to be there. And I wonder if he knows.

I drove back to Becky's house with my mother, and she insists that Islam the religion and the culture in which it is found cannot be separated. But when she refuses to acknowledge any differences therein, I have little to say to her. I really don't want to be part of a family that acts this way, I really don't.

Unfortunately we ended up staying at her house most of the night--doing absolutely nothing! We never stay that late, and despite numerous times I asked to leave, nobody seemed interested in moving an inch from their seats. It was late when we got there--8:30 or 9. 10pm would have been a good time to leave. But we stayed a full two hours after that. I'm in such a sour mood about this. I really wanted to go home and pray, go home and sleep, go home and maybe even do one of the many items of homework I have for this weekend, which I have yet to begin because I had such a busy morning today and since I napped the afternoon. Alas, no. By the time 11:45 around, I refused to sit on the couch and watch my sister play x-box--could there possibly be a less interesting way to waste time? Ugh. I decided to make wudhu and pray. So I prayed 'asr but by the time I was finished my mom and brother were finally ready to go. And then I prayed maghrib and isha at home.

I think the only word to describe me right now is sad. I really don't want anything to do with my family; I want to blame my religion. I want to blame my troubles on Islam, and still I am afraid of things, and doubts enter my mind. I start to not just question parts of the religion but to despise them.

And you know, we lose an hour of sleep tonight... that's just going to make everything better.