Speaking of clouds...

They were gorgeous this morning. Driving in for school they dumped on me half an ocean I think, but by the time I was coming into work they were very interesting. All the shades of gray, illuminated from the top but on the bottom just like ocean waves... upside down. They're gone now, and the sun is out, but I've never seen quite such an interesting cloudy sky as this morning. :-)

Blogger.com seems to be giving me trouble today--I'm not sure if this will even be posted. And I can't spend too much time on it anyway because my life is due tomorrow, in the form of a lab report on transistors, some linear systems homework, a post on how to write proposals, and an outline (for my group) of a proposal for our final project. I'm excited like a kid in a candy store... really. I love transistors. I love stepping on them... crunch.

I have a little story to tell. A good friend of mine bought me some hijabs as a gift, since I started wearing the scarf. I pitched a fit at first, declining the offer... and maybe I should have continued to say no. Because they came in yesterday (and they're lovely, really, exactly the kind that I prefer to wear) while my dad was home. Hm, a package for Amy? Who is it from? "Hijabs-R-Us." So he looks it up on the internet. I was horrified when I talked to him on the phone, and he told me he had looked it up. I don't know what he found out, but surely he was going to catch on to this scarf business (haven't yet told him I'm Muslim.)

When I got home (he wasn't there) I took them to my room, kind of hoping (out of sight out of mind) that he would forget about them. He did most of the night, until right before he was heading to bed he barged in to my room and asked to see them. Now, the funny thing is that he had not just looked to see what hijabs were, but apparently he really liked them! He told me that he saw some that were really pretty which is why he wanted to see mine, and I showed him. Well, he wasn't that impressed (I think he liked one that had large flowers or trees or something on it) but he did ask me... (uh-oh) do I wear these as scarves or headcovers?

Uhhhhhhhh..... both?

How to explain!? Luckily I didn't have to, that was enough of an answer. But I'm pretty sure my parents saw me walk in to the house in a hijab (I forgot to take it off) one night, and they didn't say anything then. I can't imagine that my parents have not caught on... but I think they're going to deny it as long as possible.

I did have an interesting discussion with my dad last night. He told me that he just couldn't talk about Islam with me... it just made him mad, and he didn't want to talk about it. So I guess that is the deal, don't talk about it, nobody wants to know. And maybe they can even ignore the scarf too, in time.

Inshallah, this situation will ease up soon, so I can learn all about transistors and how they crunch.

Crunch.

Goodbye Carolina

Boston College beats UNC, 85-82! Yes!

Mostly, I'm writing this post to simply kill time. My grandfather isn't doing so well, he's in the hospital right now and my mother is on the phone with my aunt. But she can't hear very well if the TV is on or if I'm playing piano so I'm on my computer. Go figure. ;-)

A few notes... WhyIslam sent me, in my revert care package, this pretty, but unfortunately carolina blue, hijab to wear. The only problem with it (aside from being carolina blue) is that I can't find many clothes that seem to match it right. But I wear it sometimes anyway. And, oddly enough, despite the pale blue color, I get more compliments on it than any of my other. Hm.

Last night I attended a presentation at the mosque that was basically a video of a speech by Sherman Jackson. It was supposed to be about Muslims in America, and the media, but it was more about how the history of Islam, and the classical Islamic period, are vitally important for understanding how Muslims should behave in this country--where society functions differently than in Middle Eastern countries and other places where Islam has dominated for centuries. While interesting, it seemed more like common sense to me... but left me with less faith in "local" imams who are from other countries, if their understanding of Islam is more restrictive to the country in which they were raised, and studied. As if I needed another excuse not to trust people... shame.

Where has the time gone?

I really don't like it when I forget my watch. It seems to happen a lot because I take it off all the time to wash my hands/arms, and then forget to put it on. Today I remembered when I turned off of my street coming to work. But I was running late already and decided not to go back. So my cell phone will be my clock today. You'd think being in front of a computer all day I wouldn't need a watch but... some of us like on our hands I guess.

I have gotten some very kind words of encouragement from some brothers I work with. I never had told anyone that I'm Muslim, but wearing the scarf makes it rather obvious. But these two have said some very nice things about the scarf, and my converting to Islam. One wants me to meet his wife and daughters because he thinks I would be a good example (they don't wear the scarf) and one has offered to help me learn Arabic. Yay. :-)

Sharing the secret

This past weekend was no good. For some reason I thought there was a discussion about a book I had read Friday night, but it turns out it was really scheduled for this coming Tuesday. Salatul-Isha was at 8pm, though, and I wanted to be there for that because afterwards there was a lecture about 'how to pray.'

But I had gone home to have dinner with my parents. The night before I had watched a special on the Quran with them, and I think I was trying to discuss it, and a little about Islam. Anyway, somehow I got into talking about my beliefs (which of course are wrong, according to them) and an argument ensued. Now, by my thinking I got out before it got bad. But that wasn't how my dad saw it. He raised his voice to me once, and continually interrupted me (wouldn't let me finish a sentence about anything) while I was trying to explain myself. So ultimately I didn't really get much across to them, but apparently they felt "offended" and thought I was "gullible" to actually believe a scholarly perspective that... well... the Bible had been changed! And, of course, I was denying God, which is apparently a trait of my generation, kind of like the hippies.

See me rolling my eyes?

There is no getting through, whatever I say is misinterpreted, misunderstood. But I left before too long without any nice words (I was being fussed at, and just opted to leave instead of fussing back.) Found out upon arrival that the event I was going to was really on Tuesday, so I proceeded to the mosque for the night prayer. On my way, I get a call from my sister. My parents had called her, they were having a very difficult time with something. (Can you imagine if I told them I was Muslim? Whoa.) My dad revealed that he had even considered throwing me out of the house.

Of course, you're getting this from my perspective--but I promise that I did not yell or say anything that was deliberately insulting or offensive. I just suggested evidence which claims Jesus is not the literal son of God or in any way divine. So to be honest, I don't think I did anything rash to provoke my dad's wrath.

But apparently he had thought that through, and both parents were wondering what was up with me--as though I reveal every detail of my life to my sister. I guess she calmed them down some, and I explained how nuts they are. Then I ended the convo so I could go pray, and I went to visit my sister afterwards.

The prayer was not so great, really, because I was not quite in time (after making wudhu) to get into the musallah so I was in the gym and there were kids playing basketball and stuff behind me, and lots of ladies sitting around chatting. Very noisy, and hard to hear the imam over the speaker. But alas; I think that's how friday night prayers normally are. And to be honest, to see the women so crowded, if there were the same number of men (and not one more) they would be crowded too.

But the lecture/q&a was very nice. The first time I actually saw the imam of this mosque!! Would you believe that? And they opened the women's section up so I had no problems seeing at all, and didn't even have to wait to ask a question. As soon as I asked almost, I got the mic, while all the guys had to wait because there were so many of them. I was 1 of 2-7 sisters there (some kept coming and going), and honestly, I got a lot of attention. I guess they didn't want to be accused of not letting sisters ask questions, and it played in my favor. :-)

But afterwards I called my sister and went over to her house--in my scarf. She had figured I might have converted a while ago, but with the scarf it seemed more official I guess. And we talked about Islam for a while, some reasons I chose it. She had had some Muslims neighbors for a little while, and knew some of Islam already.

While she was okay with my decision, the scarf didn't go over so well. She had a less optimistic view than I of how the family would accept it, and strongly suggested I don't wear it at all. Essentially, it makes or would make some of my family feel uncomfortable. Imagine that. So I'm supposed to dress in a way that makes them comfortable, eh?

Anyway, the next day I apologized to my parents (I didn't get home until 2am) and from their responses, definitely didn't get the vibe that it was okay to bring this up again. They just don't get it, and now I'm afraid to tell them again. If my dad kicks me out... oooooh!

And I spent the weekend without the scarf, more or less. I tried a combination of hats with small scarves around my neck, but it doesn't feel right at all. But I feel like a total failure that I couldn't, or wouldn't, wear the scarf while out with them. I really don't know how to tell them. :-(

Make it a week

So today is the 7th day with the scarf. I haven't told my family or worn it around them, but nearly everywhere else, and everyone else. I never really said "Today I am going to start wearing hijab." I really just challenged myself, "How long can you wear it?" I wondered if I truly had the guts to wear it to my classes, and to work, when I would see a lot of my friends and coworkers. (I did try once before this, but most folks weren't there to see.) So my challenge was whether I had courage enough to wear it in front of them. But once I did, well, it was can I do it again? At first people probably thought it was a one-day thing, but by now they should be getting used to it.

Wednesday the 22nd I put it on. I wore a plain, square, white, cotton scarf pinned under my chin, with a giant hoodie. I wore it to all of my classes that day, and took it off when I got home. Nobody said anything. Thursday I wore it to class, and had one person ask me about it.

I asked if I could sit at his table in the lounge to finish my homework. "Sure, no problem," he replied so I took a chair and pulled out my books. "Amy, are you Muslim?" His hand gestured around his face to show the rest of the question, the words he didn't say: are you really wearing a hijab--because you are Muslim?

"Yes, I am."

"Salam alaikum."

I returned the greeting but tried to finish my homework. Rami was in a class I taught a couple years ago, and we have exchanged greetings but never spoken much--I didn't know he was Muslim. I told him it felt weird to wear this around so many people that I knew, but he reassured me. Maybe I just needed someone to tell me I didn't look weird. :-)

So I wore it to work. "Are you trying a new...?" I don't know what the rest of the question was supposed to be, but I answered "yes" to keep him from staring at me any longer. That might have been the hardest one. But this really is making me so much stronger in my faith.

When I wore it to the basketball game, my sorority sisters had a problem with it, you could say. One asked if it was a psychology experiment, the other said I looked different in my "head dress." But I told them then I was going to leave it on, and I did, without ever telling them explicitly why. The biggest challenge by far was telling the sorority. Walking in to the meeting room in a scarf and running the meeting without taking it off, and at the end telling everyone what it was, and why I was wearing it were the difficulties. "It must be windy. You look like an eskimo. I bet you're warm. Are you afraid you'll poke yourself with the pin?"

I became Muslim last year, and decided to start wearing the scarf. You'll probably see me in it from now on.

Yes, that's when I admitted it. I was actually going to keep trying to wear it. Oh God, please give me the courage to back up that statement!

Not everyone was happy for me. Most probably don't care, and some probably resent the fact that I left their religion, because most of these girls (actually, all of them) are Christian as I was. So I'll have to see how that develops... I don't think I've heard the end.

So wearing it to school again this week and to work, it is becoming clear to more people that I am Muslim. My boss, today, asked me about it. He wondered if it was some holiday I was observing or whether I just felt more comfortable. Comfortable isn't how I would describe the way I feel at work, never, and obviously there is no holiday, but I told him that I was stronger in my faith, and had decided to observe the scarf. And he acknowledged that strength, and assured me that nobody (here) should give me a hard time about it. Which is, truly, a relief. My boss's wife is a preacher, which puts him in a unique position. But since he is not going to try to convince me out of my religion by attacking the scarf, I feel much more at ease.

If you read my previous posts you'll see how I felt about hijab just a few days ago. Honestly, just wearing it has changed my mind. It has forced me to admit to the world that I am Muslim, and that I am actually choosing to practice that religion.

I can't say what is in the heads of the guys I go to school with. (I don't have many classes with girls in my major.) I won't say I'm getting more respect or being acknowledged for my brains instead of my body, because it would be a lie. I never had problems talking to them, and never felt like a piece of meat, and I can't say their behavior or mine has changed at all.

When people that I know look at me, they seem to look longer the first time they see the scarf. That is the adjustment for them. I hope they know they can adjust much quicker than I can. I wonder what they are thinking... but I smile and say hello since their minds have apparently gone blank of courtesy.

Maybe it is getting a little easier to wear it, after all.

But what is definitely easier is saying I AM MUSLIM! I've had to tell three people today alone, so I'll call that progress.

Day Number 6

In hijab. That is, today is my 6th full day in the headscarf. Full day. I put it on when I leave (so parents don't see) and take it off when I go home (same reason.) I have worn it to classes, to work, shopping, to restaraunts, to a basketball game, to a sorority meeting.

So I'm starting to tell people.. hard to avoid it, because the scarf makes it so obvious. A few rude glares, a few less than polite remarks. Some people just don't understand... they don't expect it, and don't know what to make of it. I guess they'll have to get used to it... I don't know if I have the strength to just keep telling people. It should start getting easier--hasn't yet, though.

So one more week before spring break. If I can just take care of things for one more week. One more week...

Alive and kicking

I guess it takes a little time to pick up the pieces and get off the ground. I feel like I'm ready to pick up and start running... but I'm not. Everytime I fall back on my behind, and have to get up and try again. So here I am, trying again to take two steps forward before I take another one back. That's progress, right?

How about I be specific? No. But life is hard. Islam is hard. Nobody wants to admit it... Islam is supposed to be easy. But it's not naturally hard, the way you could describe fasting. Fasting is hard, you have to overcome your body's natural desire and urges to eat and drink. In that way, it is hard. But it's not like people look at you funny, it doesn't make you look queer among your friends. Nobody can really tell, it's all on the inside. Breaking your day up to make prayers... not too many people notice that, really, so they can't say much to discourage you. Shahadah, that's all inside, nobody can fuss at you about it. You don't really tell people how much you give in charity. And pilgrimage? What's the big deal, it's only once a year, people can hardly give you too rough a time when they take vacations too.

Those are the pillars of Islam, right? That is faith.

But what about the dress code? You are apparently a transgressor if you don't follow it. It is more harshly enforced than any of the other pillars. But it is a daily and very public display, with difficulty akin to torture, in my opinion. Is that what Islam is about? Forcing adherents (and particularly women) to endure ridicule and shame in the interest of modesty? It makes me sad to realize that my hijab will never be enough. So I donned a headscarf, big whoop. My pants are probably too tight. And if I wear loose pants, then it needs to be a skirt, and then it needs to be longer. And then my shirt is too tight, and too short, so it needs be longer, thicker, looser, whatever. Regardless of the fact that I can't even afford new clothes, the thought of wearing "Muslim-style" dresses and such is appalling.

My philosophy on clothes is the following: function before fashion. Sometimes I would wear a hat. Mind you, I would have a nice hat, but it would serve a purpose--either to cover my hair (if I didn't want to style it), or to keep my head warm (on a cold day). So why a headscarf? Well, to cover my head, because apparently it is part of my "awrah" which means that nobody (except a select few) should be allowed to see it. And a woman needs to cover her awrah.

But what gets me is when it is not just enough to cover, but it has to be done in such and such a way that makes it still more difficult to do. As if I don't stand out like a sore thumb with a headcover, you want to make me wear a coat in the heat as well? When does it stop?

It stops when women have completely covered themselves, completely obscured themselves from the world with fabric. And then the fabric won't be enough, women would be kept inside, the hijab becoming the walls around her. I think the essence of "hijab" is seclusion, a way of hiding women from not just men, but from the rest of the world.

It's just not right. :-(

Motivation

I happened to read another Muslim's blog today, and it encouraged me to focus a little more on my religion, at least the way I try to portray it to the world.

6 months -- how long it took me after saying Shahadah to actually start practicing Islam.

1 week -- how long it took me to memorize Salat in English

4 days -- how long it took me to memorize Al-Fatihah in Arabic.

When I converted, I was much too terrified to pray... I had lost my religion. In my mind, that is all I had done, leave Christianity. It might not be expected that I should have embraced all of Islam... but I didn't really embrace any of it. One God, got that. Muhammad a prophet, okay. Quran the word of God, check. Anything else was stretching it.

What changed? I don't know... you might not know. But I know that if I had not taken Shahadah I probably would have given up on Islam, and never started practicing. It took some time to admit it, even to myself, at least in pure honesty. But at some point I realized that I was missing prayers, and I didn't want to miss them any more. Why would anyone push someone to convert who wasn't ready to start praying at that moment? 6 months is an awfully long time, and if faith can be acquired in 3 months, surely it can be lost in as little time.

Starting to pray doesn't cure all evils, though. If anything, it made my life much more difficult. Not at first, of course, but as there are rarely times when being a woman is advantageous, some times are much more than simply an annoyance. And at times like these, I feel like religion is dead, or at least that my religion is dead. I am a slave to my body instead of a slave to my god... how do I even begin to ask for help?

So my prayers became less important to me... in fact, I stopped offering them altogether, wanting nothing to do with prayer. And I think it is harder to return from that deviation than it was to even get started on the right path. I still haven't come back all the way. Sure, I offer prayers now, and even try to make them on time. But the bottom line is that they do not tie me to my faith as they did at first. In many ways, I feel they are empty; I feel that I am empty.

Invasion...

... of privacy.

Is it too much these days to ask before you borrow things? Before barging into someone's room and taking things which belong to her? Is it too much to ask to call? 7 digits, can I borrow your computer please? Hello, it may be running something important I don't want closed! Argh! So frustrating.

Breathe.... calm down....

That's over. My life is lame, have a test tomorrow (why am I posting twice in one day then... stupid.)

301, 302, here I come!!

Pfft. Robots don't need sleep.

I feel like a robot. Over the last 2-3 weeks I have come up short on eating, sleeping, and relaxing. That is why the blog hasn't been updated... not like anyone was checking, I know. I just keep on working, doing homework until the wee morning hours, stumbling into class with my eyes still closed. This past weekend I did homework every day--had an english thing due Friday night... and Saturday night. Of course I had put them off until the last minute. (Note to self, fix procrastination.) Sunday, after I could finally rouse myself from bed, I had to conduct two separate sorority meetings (yeah, the candidate one and the sister one, gar) which sucked my afternoon into oblivion. And for the evening, of course I went to a bowl party... though at the same time, doing 302 homework like a genuinely dedicated student. Mostly finished it, except for a few things that hadn't been covered in class. Then what? Well, I had more homework due Monday morning, so I went in to school early (yes early is 7:30, after being up until 3am) but it was much easier, and I finished in time for class, and all was clear. But I did take a nap after coming home and tried to get enough sleep. I'm not sure if I succeeded in that endeavor, I'm awfully tired today still.

Now, unfortunately Tuesdays are TV nights. TV is going to have to... wait. I have a test tomorrow at 8:30! And homework due tomorrow as well. And since my luck with tests has apparently run out, I am going to be studying like nobody's business tonight. And doing the homework which is also due tomorrow. INSHALLAH! Of course, there's another test on Friday, and some English hw due by Wednesday night, which I believe will have to be put off a bit. However, due to the Wednesday test, my lab has been cancelled, perhaps giving me time to take care of that, since I won't be at work. Perhaps on Thursday I can start studying for statistics, and take care of more English hw for Saturday, and then maybe more 302 hw and 301 hw... which should leave me with nothing other than a 302 lab report and prelab over the weekend.

It's funny how when there is no more room to procrastinate... I don't. Inshallah these weeks can teach me good habits and I'll spend the rest of the semester 'on top of things.'