Home

Is this home?
Is this where I should learn to be happy
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold
I was taught every day in my childhood
Even when we grow old
Home will be where the heart is
Never where words so true
My heart's far, far away, home is too

Is this home?
Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good in this tragic place
Just in case I should stay here for ever
Held in this empty space
Oh, but that wont be easy
I know the reason why:
My hearts far, far away
Home's a lie

What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately
But I know that I can't solve my problems going back

Is this home?
Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when
Oh but then as my life has been altered once
It can change again
Build higher walls around me
Change every lock and key
Nothing lasts, nothing holds all of me
My heart's far, far away
Home and free

Home has been something on my mind lately, and when I heard this song, it expressed a number of the things I wished to in a post. It's from Beauty and the Beast, but it's not in the movie version. I've been thinking about home because... I don't have one. I have a roommate, an apartment, a variety of furniture and cooking dishes, clothes, a car... a sofa. But it's not home. There should be somewhere for everyone where he feels comfortable, where he can relax, where the people around him understand and share something in common.

I don't have that. Do other people? I mean, I had it before... before I left my parents, I mostly felt comfortable there. Before Islam we certainly had many of the same opinions and mutual respect. But I don't think I have that respect from them anymore. If anybody really has the power to make you feel worthless, it's your family. The ones whom you trust, the ones you shared your life with.

It's only recently struck me how lonely I am. I guess I hide it by being busy so I don't get much time to think about it being alone, and I can ignore what I'm missing.

Don't get me wrong, I love my roommate. She's a sweetheart, and living with her has helped me in a number of ways. But if I need to have a good cry, a good shout, a real good laugh... it's like a part of me is missing and even though I ignore it that hole just gets bigger.

I don't keep in touch with my family too much, and they don't keep in touch with me, either. I see my parents once in a while nowadays. I visited my brother a few weeks ago, and my parents only once since then. I haven't seen my sister in over a month, and I saw my other sister once at my parents a few weeks ago but only by coincidence. I haven't seen my niece since I don't know when. I just realized that tomorrow is my dad's birthday. I realize, here, that I'm going to have to do the work... but the problem is that even I am apathetic about it. I don't really want to spend time with my parents. They make me take of my hijab and they've insulted me in a number of other ways. And I think they're content to just live in their own little world.

I understand this is supposed to be my jihad or something, but I have two options. Let us drift apart... which I would much rather do... or fight with them emotionally knowing that things will never work out right. I wish I could go to them for help, but I can't. For strength or support, but I can't get it from them. Nobody else understands where I am or where I've come from. There's just me... in a world on my own.