Saturday, August 05, 2006

More tired than I thought

When Lancy called me this evening, because I was late for my shift, I didn't realize what time it was... and disocvered it in a rather unfortunate way. Here I was, late already, but still in bed even, and exhausted! As I was driving in, hurrying to get here because I knew she'd need to leave asap, it occurred to me how much I had been denying myself sleep the last few days. In attempts to be normal and sociable, early bird and night owl, I realized the last time I got anything close to a "full night's" sleep was Wednesday night, when I got about 5 or 6 hours straight.

The nights prior to that, for various reasons, hovered close to the 3-4 hour mark. Thursday I did in fact take off early to accomplish a few errands, and managed a 2 hour nap before going to work before spending the evening out doing more, then managed about 3 hours after coming home, before going to work again Friday morning, and then put in nearly a full day Friday at work, plus an evening doing various things including a lecture at the masjid.

Saturday morning I was to work at 7:30am, but being up late, and kept up later left me getting to bed sometime around 2am, and then getting up around 5:30 for fajr after which I never did go back to sleep. I think I am, at this point, so deficient in sleep, that I've lost the ability to function normally. I'm not sure when it happened, I know this morning I wasn't 100%. I've been somewhere less than 90% most of this week, I think, due to the move really, the heat, and trying to solve a particular drama in my life at present.

Alhamdulillah, that drama is over. And as it leaves, inshaAllah my sleep will return. Starting with today. I went to bed around 6pm, having set my alarm to get up a few hours later--I knew I needed a nap. But of course I made the mistake of setting my alarm now for 7:30am instead of 7:30pm which didn't do me much good at 10:30pm when Lancy called me. So there was 4 and a half hours.

I remember, this morning I was very sleepy, having trouble to remain awake in fact, and aside from spending some time dozing in the chair, I think I spent nearly an hour half asleep, half awake, on the "couch" in the lounge. It's not really a couch, maybe a bench. There are three pairs of chairs, but this pair simply doesn't have arm rests in the middle. The wooden arm rests don't work nicely for a pillow, but somehow I didn't mind... and the soreness which lingered for nearly an hour after that little "nap" or attempt at such has vanished by now.

I feel disappointed in myself at all the things I have tried to do (unsuccessfully, of course) in the last few days while being so short on sleep, especially last night and today. The cruelty isn't only to myself, but I shudder to think of how I've behaved. To be honest, I can't even remember that much of what happened, though that may also be a blessing, and I really just wonder if I was acting like I was as sleepy as I now realize that I was.

I've found so far that the best cure for sadness, or disappointment, is simply to thank God for everything that has gone right, everything that is working out, and everything that makes me happy.

So I'll thank God for the reprieve this weekend from the dreadful heat of last week. A high of 92 is really a blessing when previous days saw the heat index soar 10 degrees into triple-digit territory. I'll thank God that I had a peaceful home to return to, to rest my head. I'll thank God for 4 and a half hours of uninterrupted and desperately needed sleep. And I'll thank God that I'm a Muslim, and for every thing I learned about Islam this weekend. And I'll thank God for answering my prayers. Knowing that I am in the hands of Allah, swt, is to experience relief.

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