Friday, February 02, 2007

On Pain and Agony

There's just nothing like persistent pain. Anything you do or try to do--it's there. Try to do some homework, it's there. Try to do some leisure typing or reading--it's there. Try to ride a bike, it's there. Try to drive, watch tv, eat a sandwich, sit still, move around, stand up, sit down, lay on the floor, get dressed, take a shower, make sujood... always it hurts. So what a nice feeling it is, after a week of that, to wake up and not hurt as bad!! Still hurt, though only slightly--not nearly as bad and in fewer positions. It's nice. Reminds me to say alhamdulillah.

So I woke up this morning after having the most restful sleep I've had in nearly a month. I'm not so alert... I'm sleepy this morning like every morning. But my sleep was different. Something that has been bothering me for some time--or perhaps bothering isn't the right word--that slipped away and left me for the night. And the refreshing freedom inspired by the absence of those particular thoughts made the sleep very enjoyable for once in quite a while.

What I awoke with, however, was something sweeter and nicer than I ever could have asked for. In the absence of stress and worry I found two things that I had forgotten in the last few weeks--gratitude and trust. That is, gratitude to Allah swt, and trust in his will and power. And alhamdulillah they came without a harsh reminder. I have so much to be grateful for but I don't express that gratitude--why?? Why do I hold it back? Why do I suppress the humility and gratitude which beg me to submit prostrated before my Creator? What arrogance I have to say "I"ll thank God later!" Humph! I could spend every minute thanking God and it wouldn't be enough!! So it's time to stop asking--and trust in what he has given me and will give me, trust that it's for the best, pray for it to be the best, and stop wishing for this foolish dunya!!

And then to be grateful... because whatever it is, anything I have is more than I've earned.

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