Sunday, April 02, 2006

I want to leave

Leave what?

School? My job? My home? My family? Islam?

Yes.

It was a wise decision on my part to refrain from telling my parents about my embracing Islam. But wise was not the decision to tell them a few days ago. The respect I have for my family is dwindling--in particular, my mother, my oldest sister, and my brother-in-law. Their behavior is disgusting, their ignorance profound, and their dislike of me most obvious.

Today I was most unfortunate to miss every single prayer. I tried to get up for fajr... slept through my alarm. When I came home around 12:30 I was too exhausted for anything but a nap--too tired even for a shower which I desperately needed after all the work I did this morning. And once again, slept through the prayer time, missing zhuhr. By the time I got up, I needed to take a shower but still piddled around the house for a while trying to build up energy, and really just stay awake. After my shower it was nearly time for maghrib--so I prayed zhuhr. But I really had to get ready to go.

Now, tonight we were having a party for my sister's birthday. I decided not to wear hijab, as I really did not want attention from anyone about it, and of course it would insult more than the few I mentioned above. So in trying to get ready, I didn't have time for 'asr and maghrib, which killed me inside but I missed them anyway. When I arrived at the restaurant, my neices told me that my brothers-in-law had been fighting about me. Presumably, one against and one in my defense though I don't know the story and since it was my sister's birthday, I thought it inappropriate to ask.

I guess it means that my brother-in-law (of my oldest sister Wendy) knows about my Islam, though I don't know who told him. I didn't, and I had asked my sister (Becky, the other one, the first I told) to not tell my other brother-in-law (Thom) even though her husband (Dan) knew. And I had agreed with my parents not to tell Thom, but still...

Now, it's possible the reason he didn't show up for cake and presents after dinner at my sister's house was because the baby needed to go to bed... even though it is antisocial, he frequently does such things. But I still get the impression it was because I wanted to be there. And I wonder if he knows.

I drove back to Becky's house with my mother, and she insists that Islam the religion and the culture in which it is found cannot be separated. But when she refuses to acknowledge any differences therein, I have little to say to her. I really don't want to be part of a family that acts this way, I really don't.

Unfortunately we ended up staying at her house most of the night--doing absolutely nothing! We never stay that late, and despite numerous times I asked to leave, nobody seemed interested in moving an inch from their seats. It was late when we got there--8:30 or 9. 10pm would have been a good time to leave. But we stayed a full two hours after that. I'm in such a sour mood about this. I really wanted to go home and pray, go home and sleep, go home and maybe even do one of the many items of homework I have for this weekend, which I have yet to begin because I had such a busy morning today and since I napped the afternoon. Alas, no. By the time 11:45 around, I refused to sit on the couch and watch my sister play x-box--could there possibly be a less interesting way to waste time? Ugh. I decided to make wudhu and pray. So I prayed 'asr but by the time I was finished my mom and brother were finally ready to go. And then I prayed maghrib and isha at home.

I think the only word to describe me right now is sad. I really don't want anything to do with my family; I want to blame my religion. I want to blame my troubles on Islam, and still I am afraid of things, and doubts enter my mind. I start to not just question parts of the religion but to despise them.

And you know, we lose an hour of sleep tonight... that's just going to make everything better.

1 comment:

Zakkah said...

Sometimes, many of us take things for granted. Many of us, with ample opportunities to pray – don’t pray. And sometimes, reading the journey taken by those who just embraced Islam, makes one appreciate all and every single blessings one is blessed with – and my word, there are countless numbers of blessings we simply take for granted! May Allah reward you and make it easy for you! Regards, Xenos ^_^